Being American

Being American is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing Mexican or Chinese on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.

And the most American thing of all? Suspicion of all things foreign!

Only in America can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in America do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in America do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a diet Coke.

Only in Ameria do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.

Only in America do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.

Only in America do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

Only in America are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.

Not like us

It is suggested that we should not be xenophobic. But, being American, it isn't practical.

To Spam or not to Spam?

My blog has been flagged by the Blogger auto-bot as spam. I think it may come from the way you need to enter "word verifications" to post. Of course with my eyesight if I get it right in 5 tries I'm doing well. No hard feelings Blogger dudes, I'm sure you'll straighten it out.

On the other hand I think we should create a new flavor of Spam called "Stinky French Garlic" and force those who actually spam to eat a sandwich publically. It is more humane than flogging and much more humiliating.

And you think I'm loony?

You just can't make this stuff up...

http://www.ajc.com/metro/content/metro/cobb/stories/2008/10/06/voodoo_bad_checks.html

Corollary for Change

Change is inevitable, growth is optional - Walt Disney

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. - Lord Dagger Bluebeard

Life's lessons #1

You never learn anything by doing it right.

And The Winners of Next weeks Lottery Is?

Psychics should be made to prove themselves by winning the Georgia Lottery, having correctly predicted the winning numbers.

The Perpetual Motion Monorail

When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands buttered side down.

So I propose to strap giant slabs of hot buttered toast to the back of a hundred tethered cats.

The two opposing forces will cause the cats to hover, spinning inches above the ground.

Using the giant buttered toast/cat array, a high-speed monorail would have enough power to run between Alpharetta and Atlanta.

Monster Raving Loony Party UnOfficial Manifesto

Monster Raving Loony Party Manifesto Proposals

1. Cool on the outside:
   To combat global warming and climate change all buildings should be fitted with air conditioning units on the outside.

2. Needles
   Due to the increasing number of children afraid of needles, I propose the destruction of the tedious, scary and often painful process of school vaccinations. Instead, I propose that highly trained nurses should be given free reign on the playground with specially modified tranquillizer rifles which apply vaccinations as well as a tranquillizer. This would have two main benefits: It would be less scary for the children as they will not know what hit them, also it will be more fun for the nurses

3. Prison Food
   The problems of prison overcrowding and increased crime will be solved easily by issuing a compulsory contract on McDonalds to do all prison catering. Convervative estimates suggest a 50% reduction in crime rates within 2 years with 0% re-offender figures.

4. Good Heroes
   Make it illegal for super heroes to use their powers for evil.

5. 
   
6. Scary Terrorists
   Ban all terrorists from having beards as they look scary.

7. Poop Scoop
   Anyone allowing their Hyena to poop on the pavement should shovel it away immediately, As this is no laughing matter

8. Put a Sock in it
   All socks to be sold in packs of 3 as a precaution against losing one.

   

9. A Hanging Offence
   It is proposed to systematically destroy all wire coat hangers.
   Shirts slip off them. People hang them on doorhandles. They bend when you hang jeans on them. The flick off rails. They join together in pairs. The gaggle in dodgy, tinny, wiry orgies, tingling nastily. They have a static sneer. Have you ever actually seen anybody buy them? Who even sells them? Do they just appear in your wardrobes? They seem to have a near endless domestic omnipresence.
   Not only a waste of wire, but a waste of time. How often have you had to rehang things on them? Or perhaps Reiron shirts after being bent ruthlessly shapelss thereon? Then they spin of the rail and onto the floor. You kick them and then get wrapped around your foot, or sibling. And then if you can find a bin that will fit such a stupidly angular object, the sadistic little sharp corner on the hook rips the bag and there it is again, escaped. What a malicious little sod.
   Let's face it; The only use for metal coat hangers is to unravel them and make them into something else.
   Therefore, it is proposed that all wire coathangers should be systematically hung, drawn and unravelled, under the 1936 Public Order Act.

Welcome to the Monster Raving Loony Party Blog

This is the unofficial US edition of the Monster Raving Loony Party, a loose group of loons who are out to create humor from things usually taken way too seriously.

The Official Monster Raving Loony Party web site can be found at http://www.omrlp.com/. No better bunch of loons exists in the Universe.